On the list of things that I want and can’t have (like: more time, and: to be able to eat nothing but chocolate every single day without any unpleasant side-effects), here’s one more: A sleeping bag that looks like a bear. There is literally nothing I can think of right now that would make me happier than to curl up inside this and take a nap.

Wait…. was that hyperbole? Hm. Let’s think this through.

A room full of M&Ms, or bear sleeping bag?
….bear sleeping bag.

Nobel Prize or bear sleeping bag?
….bear sleeping bag.

Eternal life, or bear sleeping bag?
….bear sleeping bag.

Yeah. No. Literally: right now, there is nothing I want more than this.

I go into the bank and hand the bank-teller a genuine fistful of checks that have amounts like “25.42″ and “15.00″ and “12.09.” (Because: travel reimbursement + what happens when your plays get published in anthologies.)

BANK GUY: So.. uh… what do you do?
ME: I work in the theatre.
BANK GUY: You an actor? (Then he reaaaaally looks me up and down.) No I got it, you’re the one who moves stuff off the stage.
ME: ….Really?
BANK GUY: You know, there’s like, always somebody moving things off-stage! I go to the theatre, I go to Broadway. You work on Broadway?
ME: These checks would be worth a lot more if I worked on Broadway.
BANK GUY: (warming to the topic) Like, THE LION KING? I saw that. And uh… AIDA. And… you know Kevin Kline? I went to see him do this monologue about Shakespeare.
ME: How was that?
BANK GUY: Never been so bored in my life. Have a great weekend.
ME: Thanks. I’ll just go move some stuff off-stage now.

Okay, I didn’t say that last line. But I really wish I had.