Dear United Airlines,
I realize you may have been trying to impart an important moral, ethical, and philosophical message to me by canceling my flight precisely 12 hours before it leaves. However, I am uninterested in what you may be trying to convey about “stability” and “a rooted lifestyle” and “Zen breathing.” Mostly, after three thousand years on hold, I just want to strangle you. Here are the things I could be doing, instead of waiting for you to try and rearrange the ruin that you have made of my life.

1. Learning a very simple foreign language, the sort that can be learned in 65-85 minutes.
2. Knitting a very short scarf, for dachshunds with neck-colds.
3. Giving myself a prison tattoo, particularly involving hieroglyphs.
4. Watching sad documentaries about dolphins, but only the most upsetting parts.
5. Making more coffee, and drinking it.

I’m about to begin with #5 and work backwards.

“Now Amber is making real money and hiding it from her mother, because her baby-daddy is the biggest drug dealer in Bowling Green.”

Happy holidays from the long line at the airport, where the very animated girl in front of me is sharing all her opinions of Amber. Amber, if what she says is for-real, take that money and run, boo. Take it and run.

Post-rehearsal recording sesh.

These guys know how to do it.