Excerpt from And Humbaba Came From His Strong House Of Cedar

The great hero Gilgamesh and his trusty sidekick Enkidu set for the cedar forest to destroy the monster Humbaba. As the three catapult through time, history repeats itself, and the three warriors are forced to wrestle with their dark desires for violence, power, and destruction.

3 Acts, Running time 90 minutes

Cast

(3M)

Time

Fluid

Place

The cedar forest

1.

Projection: THE WAY IT HAPPENED.

The great forest of cedars.
Gilgamesh and Enkidu stand over Humbaba, on his knees.
Humbaba is a monster.

HUMBABA

no don’t do it

ENKIDU

we won

HUMBABA

spare me

GILGAMESH

not something I do, sparing people, not my style

ENKIDU

not his forte

GILGAMESH

or my forte, if you will, not my forte

HUMBABA

what do you want, I’ll give you something, what do you want

GILGAMESH

nothing

ENKIDU

what do we want?

GILGAMESH

nobody has anything I want

ENKIDU

we got you on your knees and you wanna know what we want?

GILGAMESH

I am Gilgamesh son of whatever /son of the god whatever/ king of Uruk / slayer of whatever and protector of whatever / I win things, I win, I won you, that’s what I do, that’s what I want

ENKIDU

we take what we want, you don’t ask us what we want

HUMBABA

all I’m saying is I don’t have to die, I could be your servant, your faithful and humble servant. Humbaba, Keeper of Cedars, Cedar Forest Dweller, that’s me. this forest of great cedars? all yours. the lands that stretch around you, rich with treasure, thick with game? all yours. my powerful monster muscle? bend me against your enemies. unleash me on them. all yours. Humbaba the Servant. Humbaba the Bodyguard. see? so much better if I don’t die.

Beat.

GILGAMESH

yeah?

HUMBABA

yeah.

Beat. Gilgamesh considers this.

ENKIDU

Gilgamesh.

GILGAMESH

what?

ENKIDU

seriously?

HUMBABA

he’s the great lord of Uruk protector of whatever son of whatever, he’s always serious, how dare you question the weight of his gravitas?

ENKIDU

(to Humbaba)

you stay out of this

(to Gilgamesh)

Gilgamesh we did not travel all this way across the whatever and through the whatever and over the whatever for you to listen to his crocodile tears. lizard moans. dinosaur sighs.

HUMBABA

(to Enkidu)

What did I ever do to you.

Beat.

ENKIDU

you, your kind, monster-kind, look at yourself. ugly. look in a mirror. ugly. seriously. who wants to keep you alive? not me. your mama maybe. but maybe not. maybe she took one look at your ugly face, screamed so loud the earth cracked open. dropped you into a crack, you fell all the way down into this cedar forest.

HUMBABA

that’s not true

ENKIDU

yeah, where’s your mama?

GILGAMESH

(uncomfortable)

come on

ENKIDU

what

GILGAMESH

come on

ENKIDU

what no what you come on

GILGAMESH

Enkidu, man, don’t be like that

ENKIDU

we WON ok we WON he was gonna kill us, he came THUNDERING out from his strong house of cedar and he was gonna tear us into pieces eat our faces consume our still-beating organs decorate his walls with our skin, Gilgamesh, that is what he was going to do, so I don’t GET why you’re all “come on” because he CAME ON and he LOST and he should DIE. so KILL HIM.

Enkidu is out of breath.

GILGAMESH

you don’t have to be like that

ENKIDU

I don’t even know what that means.

GILGAMESH

we came here to fight him and he lost and we won and okay, that’s a good reason to kill him, but you don’t have to be like that. all like: KILL HIM. you know? that’s not graceful. that’s not heroic. on your part.

ENKIDU

kill the motherfucker

HUMBABA

(softly)

don’t kill me.

A beat.
Gilgamesh is genuinely torn.

GILGAMESH

if I spare you

HUMBABA

yes

GILGAMESH

if I spare your life

HUMBABA

yes
I would
I would do it
whatever you ask
I would carry you on bare feet over paths laid with thorns
I would put my body between yourself and a forest fire
I would do that
if all the world dried up and all the lakes dried and the ponds dried and there was one puddle left in the whole world and it was drying, I would bring you all of its water in a cup, I would walk on bare and dry and cracked feet over the face of the parched world and I would bring you water
if you spared me.

Beat.
Gilgamesh looks into his eyes.

GILGAMESH

(soft)

nobody’s ever said that to me before.

ENKIDU

(soft, meaning it with every bone in his body)

Please.

Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Gilgamesh and Enkidu face to face.

GILGAMESH

I don’t like this

ENKIDU

he can’t be trusted

GILGAMESH

him on his knees like this, I don’t like it

ENKIDU

if the snared bird returns to his nest, then you, my friend, will never return to the city where you were born

GILGAMESH

it’s different in battle, it’s different there, but when it’s like this—

ENKIDU

the monster will track you like a wolf, nose to the ground, he will bar the mountain paths against you

GILGAMESH

It’s cowardly like this.

ENKIDU

It’s smart.

Beat.
Gilgamesh takes his sword.
He stabs Humbaba through
and through
and through
Enkidu strikes him, the fourth and final blow

Humbaba falls forward, choking on his blood, dying.

HUMBABA

you shouldn’t have

GILGAMESH

(in agony)

I had to make a choice.
Strong men make choices.
I chose that.

ENKIDU

The strongest of men will fall to fate if he has no judgment.
Now die.

2.

Projection: THE ROMAN WAY

Cedar forest.
Humbaba on his knees.
Enkidu and Gilgamesh stand over him in togas.
Lions roar off in the trees.
As before.

HUMBABA

no my lords, don’t do it

ENKIDU

do it

HUMBABA

I beg you

ENKIDU

doooo ittttt

HUMBABA

you’ll regret it

GILGAMESH

why, why should I regret it

HUMBABA

because your noble mother wouldn’t like it

Beat.

GILGAMESH

my mother

HUMBABA

yes

GILGAMESH

my mother

HUMBABA

yes

GILGAMESH

my mother what does scum like you know about my mother

HUMBABA

she didn’t raise you to tear the legs off ants she raised you to be a MAN

ENKIDU

he is a man

HUMBABA

a ROman

ENKIDU

well he sure ain’t Greek

HUMBABA

a HERO

GILGAMESH

i am a hero

HUMBABA

And I am begging for mercy and you—as a ROman, as a gentleman and a hero—you are faced with two courses of actions, and one will make your noble mother proud and the other will make her sad.

ENKIDU

i never knew my mother, i was raised in the Emperor’s stable, i don’t see what the big deal about mothers is, kill the son of a bitch

GILGAMESH

I don’t know.

ENKIDU

you—WHAT?

GILGAMESH

I’m not sure.

ENKIDU

what is there to be UNSURE about?

GILGAMESH

I just all of a sudden don’t know.

ENKIDU

OK well listen since you seem to have all of a sudden turned into a woman with the heart of a Tuscan whore, let me reiterate for you the things you don’t seem to know.
One: Humbaba is a foreigner and a monster and a slave.
Two: The Empire wants his cedar.
Three: We fought him.
Four: We won.
Five: If we kill him, we take his splendours for the Empire and we return to Rome victorious. Any confusions there?

GILGAMESH

no but—

ENKIDU

Has anything I’ve said been in any way the slightest bit unclear?

GILGAMESH

I don’t think you should talk to me that way. I’m the hero, after all.

Beat.

ENKIDU

You’re the hero?

GILGAMESH

yes, I’m the hero

ENKIDU

I’m also the hero

GILGAMESH

are you? are you, though?
whose name were they shouting as we rode out of the great gates of Rome? didn't it start with a G?

Stand-off between them—a hard beat. Enkidu knows Gilgamesh is right and hates him, very briefly, for it.

HUMBABA

I have something to say.

ENKIDU

this should be good

GILGAMESH

(draws himself up)

speak, monster

HUMBABA

I don’t want to die.

ENKIDU

bo-ring

HUMBABA

I don’t.
I just don’t.
Any way I look at it, I don’t.
I could try to want to die, that might be valiant, seems more suicidal to me but hey, maybe we’re all a bit suicidal. I mean this is what we do, risk ourselves, I get that, life is nothing if it’s not a risk, but when it comes down to it, I like being on the other side of that risk. Don’t do this to me because you wouldn’t like it either.

(pause)

Would you?

Beat.

GILGAMESH

no

HUMBABA

(pressing)

would you?

GILGAMESH

No.

ENKIDU

oh for god’s sake

GILGAMESH

No, I wouldn’t.

ENKIDU

oh GOD

GILGAMESH

(to Enkidu)

would you?
come on

ENKIDU

what

GILGAMESH

come on

ENKIDU

what come on, do I want to die is that what you’re asking?
No I don’t want to die! But I’m not the monster.

GILGAMESH

No. You’re not the monster.

Beat.

HUMBABA

(to Gilgamesh)

you get it
you do
I look at you and I see that you do

Gilgamesh lowers his sword.

ENKIDU

WHAT are you doing

HUMBABA

I looked at you. Thought: he’s a kind man. Your eyes. As I came thundering out from my strong house of cedar. Smelled invaders. Smelled your skin. Crisp like burning. Pungent like sweat. Your armpits. Smelled them from the back-most rooms of my strong cedar home, and I hated your smell, hated your stench, hated your skin, hated you being in my forest. My beautiful forest. Isn’t it beautiful?

Humbaba looks around
Then Gilgamesh does as well
Finally, reluctantly, Enkidu
They all take it in
It is, indeed, beautiful

GILGAMESH

(soft)

yeah

HUMBABA

yeah?

GILGAMESH

yeah it’s beautiful.

HUMBABA

And I wanted to tear you apart. For even daring to be here. But when I came skidding to a stop, even as I recognized the necessity of your death, I looked into your eyes and I thought: there’s a kindness in him. It was out of place. The kindness. I didn’t want to see it there.

GILGAMESH

but you did?

HUMBABA

yes

GILGAMESH

a kindness

HUMBABA

—yes

GILGAMESH

—in me

HUMBABA

in you yes in you

ENKIDU

this is ridiculous

GILGAMESH

nobody’s ever said that to me before.

HUMBABA

don’t you know it? when you look at yourself reflected in water, in ice

GILGAMESH

I don’t look at myself

HUMBABA

you don’t?

GILGAMESH

no not really

HUMBABA

you’re very good looking, if I looked like you I’d look at myself often

ENKIDU

THIS IS SO STUPID. THIS IS SO STUPID. OH MY GOD CAN YOU HEAR YOURSELF, HOW STUPID YOU SOUND? I WILL FUCKING KILL HIM MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

Beat.
Gilgamesh offers Humbaba his hand.

GILGAMESH

get up

HUMBABA

seriously?

GILGAMESH

yeah it makes me feel weird, you like that, it makes me feel—

HUMBABA

ungentlemanly?

GILGAMESH

yes, yes and also—

ENKIDU

(warning)

—Gilgamesh

HUMBABA

—hostile?

GILGAMESH

yes and I’m not a hostile person

ENKIDU

(more urgent)

Gilgamesh

HUMBABA

yes, I can see that

GILGAMESH

I’m kind. I’m a kind man. But people rarely see that in me, kindness. I’m a fearsome warrior for a fearsome Empire but I’m also very kind. Women like that about me. Women like me. Can you tell? They like my hair but also they like that I’m very kind. You were on your knees and you told me that, you yourself, you recognized how kind I am. Right?

Humbaba smiles. He gets to his feet.
He brings out a knife, in one fluid motion
and lunges at Gilgamesh.
Gilgamesh jerks away, stunned, and the knife grazes him.
Enkidu lunges forward and stabs Humbaba in the back.
Humbaba falls to his knees, choking on blood.

GILGAMESH

(raw, bewildered)

But you said I was kind!

HUMBABA

I lied.

Humbaba dies.

3.

Projection: THE SAMURAI WAY

Humbaba, Enkidu, and Gilgamesh dressed as samurai.
The cedar forest.
Humbaba on his knees, bleeding profusely from a wound across the abdomen.
All three carry swords.
Humbaba is in the proper position to commit seppuku.
He will bleed continuously throughout the scene.

GILGAMESH

Tranquillize the mind every morning and imagine the moment when you may be torn and mangled by arrows, guns, lances and swords, swept down with thunderbolts, dying of disease or killed by an unexpected accident.

ENKIDU

As spoke our Lord Yamamoto Tsunetomo: Die every morning in your mind, and then you will not fear death.

GILGAMESH

That is to say: Do It.

HUMBABA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Humbaba lets out a fearsome warcry and moves as if to disembowel himself.
He stops just before the sword touches his stomach.
Beat.

ENKIDU

What are you doing?

GILGAMESH

Enkidu, please.

ENKIDU

A samurai does not hesitate. A samurai does not fall short of the mark.

Humbaba shakes out his hands. He does some calming breathing.
He picks up the sword again.

GILGAMESH

He is preparing himself.

ENKIDU

A samurai’s life should be his preparation to die. You just said so yourself.

Humbaba, ignoring them, readies his sword again. He lets out a fearsome war-cry.

HUMBABA

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

He plunges the sword toward his stomach. Stops just short.

ENKIDU

He stopped.

GILGAMESH

I can see that.

ENKIDU

His hara-kiri is in poor form. He’s still alive.

GILGAMESH

Well I can see that.

(Humbaba gets up. Shakes it off. Walks in a tight circle, walking it off.)

What are you doing?

HUMBABA

Walking it off.

ENKIDU

You can’t walk it off!

(to Gilganesh)

He’s bleeding everywhere. He can’t walk it off.

(to Humbaba)

Your lord is dead, his castle yielded, his samurai scattered to the winds. You are but a leaf on the wind. Autumn has come and now it is the season to curl into your death with honor and elegance.

(beat—to Gilgamesh)

What’s he doing now!

Humbaba has stopped walking it off.
Now he is enacting a series of strange meditative poses. He hums a chant.

GILGAMESH

(more gently)

What are you doing now?

HUMBABA

(looks up, honest)

I am trying to want to die.

GILGAMESH

…To want…?

HUMBABA

I am seeking within myself to want to die. Genuinely. To will it.

GILGAMESH

I don’t understand.

ENKIDU

His friends are hiding in the shrubbery. Waiting to come springing out in our path. Katanas whirling around their heads. A band of deranged halfbreed ninja-samurai. He’s stalling, we can’t trust him.

GILGAMESH

Why does it matter what you want? The honorable action is to die.

HUMBABA

It’s great to be honorable, but if I’m dead, I’m dead.

GILGAMESH

But your dishonor—

HUMBABA

Is not a shadow that blocks the sun. Or a smell that taints the air. Or a taste that pollutes my saké.

Beat.

GILGAMESH

That’s very interesting.

ENKIDU

“Interesting?”

HUMBABA

How do you propose to want to die?

GILGAMESH

I commit my duty. Desire has never entered the equation.

HUMBABA

I don’t believe that though. I think you desire death. You like its proximity. The moments when it brushes up against you. That’s nice for you. I don’t feel like that though.

ENKIDU

(to Gilgamesh)

This entire conversation is dishonorable.

GILGAMESH

What would you do if you didn’t die?

HUMBABA

What would I do?
What wouldn’t I do?
I think I’d want to make something. With my hands.
Pottery.
A song.
A song about something.
A house.
What would you do?

GILGAMESH

Me!

HUMBABA

You.

GILGAMESH

Me…?

ENKIDU

I’ve been ready to die since I was born.

Humbaba thrusts his katana toward Enkidu.

HUMBABA

Then show me how.

Beat.

ENKIDU

It isn’t my time.

HUMBABA

I thought any time could be your time.

ENKIDU

I won the battle. Winners don’t die.

HUMBABA

But samurai do.

Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Enkidu takes out his own katana.
A beat where we don’t know if he will attack Humbaba.
Then he turns away, sharply, and kneels.
He points the sword toward his own stomach.

GILGAMESH

Enkidu—

ENKIDU

Tranquillize the mind every morning and imagine the moment when you may be torn and mangled by arrows, guns, lances and swords, swept down with thunderbolts, dying of disease or killed by an unexpected accident.

GILGAMESH

Hold on.

ENKIDU

Don’t try to stop me. This world is but an illusion trembling in the domed surface of a teardrop. I’m happy to be rid of it.

HUMBABA

(to Gilgamesh)

See, but I don’t feel that way. I like this world.

With a war-cry, Enkidu brings the sword plunging toward his stomach.

ENKIDU

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

He stops with the blade resting against him.
A shocked beat.
Enkidu is surprised at himself. Bewildered even.

HUMBABA

You see?

ENKIDU

Wait—

HUMBABA

Do you see now?

Enkidu checks himself for blood, in disbelief.

GILGAMESH

(with a note of accusation)

You’re fine.

ENKIDU

That—that was a mistake. I’m bad at—distances. I—That first time didn’t count.

GILGAMESH

Not even a scratch.

ENKIDU

I want a do-over.

HUMBABA

Now you see.

ENKIDU

I’m just going to do this over.

GILGAMESH

You don’t get do-overs. You’re a samurai. Your sword is your soul, honor and fidelity is the currency in which you deal.

(gets down on his knees)

This is how you live and die as a samurai.

ENKIDU

What are you doing, this is my turn, I’m going, I’m not done yet!

GILGAMESH

(over him)

You had your turn, let me show you how a real samurai—

ENKIDU

(to Humbaba)

Hold him back!

(to Gilgamesh)

Witness this!

GILGAMESH

You witness this!

ENKIDU

No you—

TOGETHER

AHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

As Humbaba folds his arms and leans against a tree, watching, both plunge their swords toward their stomachs. Enkidu plunges the sword straight through his stomach. He falls forward, gagging on blood. Gilgamesh stops short, the blade touching his skin. A shocked beat between the two men.

ENKIDU

(betrayed, surprised)

You stopped.

GILGAMESH

(shocked)

I didn’t— I didn’t mean—

ENKIDU

You stopped.

GILGAMESH

I meant—

ENKIDU

I didn’t stop.

GILGAMESH

I get a do-over.

He grasps his sword again and, silently, plunges it into his stomach. While Enkidu watches, breathless and jealous, Gilgamesh grasps his blade in both hands and cuts his own stomach sideways, standard hara-kiri style. He is panting in agony and triumph.

GILGAMESH

See. I told you. I told you I could.

ENKIDU

But I could too. I did. I’m dying.

GILGAMESH

I’m dying first.

He falls forward and dies.
Enkidu falls forward on his own blade, without finishing the hara-kiri, and dies.
Humbaba stands over the two bodies. His blood drips onto them.

HUMBABA

On The Death of Two Passing Samurai: A Haiku by Humbaba.

(he thinks)

Ah! the spring sunlight!
Ah! the sake in my cup!
Ah! this cedar smell!

Humbaba collapses beside them, dead.

Contact jenseptcinq[at]gmail[dot]com for the full script.