Excerpt from The Education of Macoloco

Cast: 3 (2M, 1W)

Time

Fluid

Setting

Fluid & minimal

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Macoloco walks out. He navigates the stage like a minefield.

MACOLOCO

Twenty-seven years ago my mother gave birth to me. She was twelve years older than I am now. The hospital smelled like Drain-O and Jell-O. She was all alone except for the nurse, who smelled like Drain-O and Jell-O and vodka. My father called my mother from Georgia two hours and seventeen minutes after I was born, and they named me Colloquy. A colloquy is a talking together and that is what they did not do often enough. Forty-six hours after I was born, during their fifth and final phone call, my father decided he did not want to talk together anymore. Ever. And my name changed.

(beat)

These are the facts...and the facts are undeniable.

(deep breath)

You are about to see me being educated at the age of eight.

Anessa enters. She is his mother. She navigates the stage like she is a landmine and she is looking for the best location to detonate. She Takes No Prisoners.

ANESSA

Macoloco! It is Time to be Educated! Pop Quiz:

Macoloco squares his shoulders. Very rapid:

ANESSA

There are how many breeds of penguins?

MACOLOCO

Seventeen!

ANESSA

The only animal that cannot jump is an—

MACOLOCO

Elephant!

ANESSA

The average pig has an orgasm for—

MACOLOCO

Thirty minutes!

ANESSA

(sternly)

Are you sure?

MACOLOCO

Yes!

ANESSA

Are you sure?

MACOLOCO

(less sure)

Yes...?

ANESSA

(severe)

How do you know the pig is having an orgasm? How do you know that it is not the average copulation time of two pigs that is thirty minutes?

Macoloco is crushed.

ANESSA

Sex does not imply orgasm. Learn this, son.

Macoloco learns it.
Quiz time resumes: fast and furious.

ANESSA

The only animal besides humans that can get leprosy is:

MACOLOCO

The armadillo!

ANESSA

The Sanskrit word for “war” means:

MACOLOCO

“Desire for more cows”!

ANESSA

How many pounds of force does it take to detach a human ear?

Beat.
Macoloco doesn’t know.

ANESSA

Well?

MACOLOCO

Idontknow.

ANESSA

Speak up! —and E.Nun.Ci.Ate.

MACOLOCO

I. Don’t. Know.

ANESSA

You must always enunciate, son. And you must always readily admit to your shortcomings. Politicians don’t do this and that is why we assassinate them. Do you want to be assassinated?

MACOLOCO

No.

ANESSA

Can you spell “Assassination”?

MACOLOCO

A-s-s-a-s-s-i-n-a-t-i-o-n.

ANESSA

Very good. And to return to the original question, it takes seven pounds of force to detach a human ear. Say it after me.

MACOLOCO

Seven pounds.

ANESSA

Take a deep breath.

(They take a deep breath together)

What are these called?

MACOLOCO

(excited, he knows this)

The facts!

ANESSA

Don’t yell.

MACOLOCO

(quieter)

They are the facts.

ANESSA

Exactly. And the facts are undeniable.

Anessa walks over to the chair and sits down.
She sits like she is conquering a small country.
Macoloco turns his back on her, and speaks to us.

MACOLOCO

I was educated at home. That is to say: It is at home that I learned to deal with the Facts. It is Crucial that one learns to deal with Facts. When nuclear fall-out blinds us and the sun grows dim, the only weapons we have will be the Facts and our ability to deal with them. The pragmatists will survive and repopulate the planet. That is what my mother says. You are about to see me being educated at the age of thirteen.

ANESSA

Macoloco.
It is Time to be Educated!

She stands. Macoloco snaps to attention.
She walks the ranks of an army of one.

ANESSA

You are becoming a man, Macoloco. Inexorably. Unpreventably. And it is my duty to tell you what this entails.
Chin up. Eyes forward.
What you have to look forward to: genital development, pubic hair, a general growth spurt, a series of mildly enjoyable and meaningless ejaculations, followed by a voice change.

(Macoloco raises his hand tentatively)

I will answer any questions after the lesson. Put your hand down.
A man will ejaculate approximately eighteen quarts of semen in his lifetime. Men are six times more likely than women to peruse sexually explicit material on the Internet. At age seventy, 73% of men are still potent. Half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal. Odors that increase blood flow to the penis are: lavender, licorice, eucalyptus, pomegranate, and pumpkin pie.

(Macoloco raises his hand again)

Save your questions until the end. Hand down. Shoulders squared.
One may assume that at some point in your life you will enter into a sexual partnership with a Woman. This partnership cannot be expected to last long, and most promises made within its confines will soon be rendered null and void. However, on the offchance that you still wish to pursue such an encounter, I will teach you about women. Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only an undergraduate degree. Women blink twice as much as men. It has been estimated that one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple. These are the facts and the facts are?

MACOLOCO

Undeniable.

ANESSA

Precisely. Now I will take questions.

MACOLOCO

Who was my dad?

Beat.
Anessa is thrown off.

ANESSA

That is an entirely different topic.

MACOLOCO

What was his name? Where is he?

ANESSA

That is unrelated to the current subject of your education.

MACOLOCO

Mom?

ANESSA

Class is over for the day. You may go outside.

She walks away from him and sits in the chair.
He turns to us.

MACOLOCO

(dryly)

It was what one might call a specialized education. As I was a self-motivated child, I engaged in a great number of independent studies. That is to say, I independently studied the contents of my mother’s desk and file cabinets when she was out. May I present: Exhibit A.

(he takes out an envelope)

Found in her sock drawer, inside a sturdy wool sock.

He takes the letter out of the envelope but doesn’t read it.
Enter Macoloco’s father. He has a heavy German accent.

FATHER

My dearest Anessa: I haf had a dream of you again. Togezzer ve are standink on a great dune of sand, we are holdink hands und ze ocean is rolling beneath us und ze wafes are thunderous—und zen I feel zer is a tension in your hand, I turn to you, you are shouting but I cannot hear your vords. Und zo I shout back: VAAAAAT? Your eyes are vide, you are panicking und so am I, and ve are screamink back and fors at each other but ve cannot hear...

His voice dies away.

MACOLOCO

Perhaps it was my over-exposure to Rilke as a child, but the dark silences and furrowed brow evoked in my mother by the mere mention of my father made me feel that he must be German. Yet, as a teenager, I entertained the possibility that he might be French. See Exhibit B.

(another letter)

Found in her underwear drawer, at the bottom of the pile.

FATHER

(heavy French accent)

My dearest Anessa: Today ze sea is so bright and ze air is warm and I have decideed to be become a paintair. I will paint your portrait from every picture of you in my possession, yet none of zem will be as beautiful as the original.

MACOLOCO

(a flicker of doubt)

He couldn’t have been Russian...?

FATHER

(heavy Russian accent)

My dearest Anessa: Although I am six times more likely than you to peruse explicit material on the Internet, I am dewoted to you. At age seventy, I vill be among sewenty-three percent of men still potent, and—

MACOLOCO

Enough!

(Russian Father falls silent)

My father is the subject of much conjecture but very few facts. As for his letters, I only ever found three. And they were very short. May I present: the first.

He opens the first but before he can read it, Anessa calls him:

ANESSA

Macoloco!

MACOLOCO

Just a minute!

(to us)

Exhibit A—

ANESSA

Macoloco!

MACOLOCO

I’m coming!

ANESSA

Son!!

MACOLOCO

(puts the letters away)

But that is an entirely different topic.

Contact jenseptcinq[at]gmail[dot]com for the full script.