The. Best. Voicemail. (An Excerpt)

Hiiiii-eeee Jenny, you’re in San Francisco!…I wanted to mention that you should hang out at the Castro Starbucks because there’s a guy there, who is a tall lanky man, who walks around completely naked except for a sequined gold sheath over his dong, and when he goes into Starbucks, he puts on a sheer black skirt. Maybe you’ve seen him already? Hopefully it’s sunny. I don’t know if he’s out when it’s cloudy.

San Francisco

By day: photo (47)

Reunited with Andrew Saito, my Iowa Mafia brother and Cutting Ball's resident playwright

Reunited with Andrew Saito, my Iowa Mafia brother and Cutting Ball’s resident playwright

And by night:

Our alter egos, pre Cutting Ball Anniversary party.

Our alter egos, pre Cutting Ball Anniversary party.

The best way to meet the artistic director & managing director, (who are masquerading as The Bald Soprano and The Internet.)

The best way to meet the artistic director & managing director, (who are masquerading as The Bald Soprano and The Internet.)

Granola Bars & Underwear = Preparation, Right?

As someone who grew up throwing things in bags / boxes and then taking off for faraway places, I’ve developed a terrible tendency of leaving all packing until the last possible second. I leave for SF in the morning, to workshop WINK with Cutting Ball, and I’ve only just started the process of figuring out which clothes are Definitely Laundry and which clothes are Almost-Laundry-But-Still-Not-A-Crime-Against-Humanity. Given that it’s not even 5 am, I feel like I have ample time to make these distinctions and others. (Like, do I bring SOME of the chocolate, or ALL of the chocolate?)

In the end, I lack my mother’s finely-honed ability to think through questions of this magnitude, so I’ll do what I always do: grab random items in any proximity to me, throw them into the nearest bag, watch part of a documentary about wild animals who eat their trainers, throw other items into the same bag, find it hard to zip, watch the other half of the documentary, take fistfuls of items out, sleep, wake up, and head to the airport.

Meet My Teenager

Oh my god Toxic Seven is taller than I am. When and how did this happen? IS THIS HOW PARENTS FEEL? photo (44) I am both proud of and mystified by the amount of care I have put into raising something that could kill me. (Avocado, my only allergy.) Again I wonder…IS THIS HOW PARENTS FEEL? Also, please note that this relationship functions as a living metaphor for ALL RELATIONSHIPS. Thank you. Goodnight.

Alien vs Predator VS Babies vs Cats

Self-discovery moment: my skill-set for interacting with babies is EXACTLY THE SAME as my skill-set for interacting with cats.

Elliot gives the whole situation a thumbs-up.

Elliot gives the whole situation a thumbs-up.

Epiphany moment: after 2 hours of playing with the baby, I was neither bitten nor scratched. Hmm…is this why people trade up?