If I were giving out vast sums of money to emerging playwrights, or anybody else, this is the series of essay questions that I’d be making them answer. But that’s just me.
1. WHO ARE YOU?
2. NO, BUT WHO ARE YOU REALLY.
3. NO, BUT LIKE WHAT ARE ALL THE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE THINGS YOU’VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER TOLD YOUR MOTHER ABOUT?
4. WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH ALL OF THIS MONEY THAT YOU HAVE A .00000000000000001 PERCENT CHANCE OF GETTING?
5. NO BUT LIKE…ACTUALLY WHAT WILL YOU DO. (STRIPPERS? MOTORCYCLES? CAT-FOOD? BE HONEST.)
6. ARE WE INVITED?
7. HOW DESPERATE ARE YOU, EXACTLY, FOR THIS GRANT? MEANING: WOULD YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE ENTRAPPED IN A PLEXIGLASS CAGE WITH A HORNET? WOULD YOU HOLD AN UNWASHED RAT IN YOUR MOUTH? WOULD YOU EAT A HUMAN FOOT?
8. YOU’RE DISGUSTING, SHAME ON YOU. WHY DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER RAISE YOU CORRECTLY?
9. JUST KIDDING. WE WERE KIDDING. DON’T YOU KNOW WE WERE KIDDING? DO YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR SELF-IMAGE? PLEASE INCLUDE A MIXED-MEDIA DRAWING OF HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THE WORLD. THE SADDEST DRAWING WINS.
For example: stuffing a cat into a cat-carrier is actually a terrifying experience.
It is Fashion Week at Lincoln Center! Not only is it the best time of the season in which to play the game Malnourished-Alien-Encounter-Or-Famous-Model?, but it is my favorite time of year in which to be generally unfashionable.
Concurrently with Fashion Week, it was pointed out to me by an astute observer that I am the world’s worst when it comes to hydration. If there is coffee, I am drinking coffee. If there are other options available, I am drinking coffee. If there are no options available, I am drinking coffee. Sometimes I am not drinking coffee, in which case, I am not drinking. This insightful individual is a problem-solver at heart, and solved the problem quickly and efficiently by mailing this to Juilliard, where it arrived just in time to be filled with water and incorporated not only into a regimen of Aggressive Hydration, but also into a Fashion Week Montage.