Dear United Airlines,
I realize you may have been trying to impart an important moral, ethical, and philosophical message to me by canceling my flight precisely 12 hours before it leaves. However, I am uninterested in what you may be trying to convey about “stability” and “a rooted lifestyle” and “Zen breathing.” Mostly, after three thousand years on hold, I just want to strangle you. Here are the things I could be doing, instead of waiting for you to try and rearrange the ruin that you have made of my life.
1. Learning a very simple foreign language, the sort that can be learned in 65-85 minutes.
2. Knitting a very short scarf, for dachshunds with neck-colds.
3. Giving myself a prison tattoo, particularly involving hieroglyphs.
4. Watching sad documentaries about dolphins, but only the most upsetting parts.
5. Making more coffee, and drinking it.
I’m about to begin with #5 and work backwards.